Like sitting in a boat alone in the middle of the ocean at night, there was a moment in my life when I went to the darkest, most painful parts of myself. Surrounded by a deep darkness that felt horrifying, empty and full of doubt, I embraced my journey in all it's brokenness, gazed up into the night sky and there in the stars I found a glimpse of my more. I saw God staring me in the face, telling me that despite all of the hurt, manipulation, pain, abuse and endless tears in my short lifetime more was still available for me. He still had a plan. At first glance it seemed crazy, but as I leaned on him and allowed him to not only wipe my tears, but heal my wounds as well, I believed I could be redeemed, healed, and experience more than I could ever think or imagine. Did I deserve this gift? Absolutely not; but because it was given freely I decided to take him up on the offer.
To be honest, I only pursued more for one reason--the pain. That disgusting feeling of being trapped inside an ocean of mistakes, failed love attempts and self-hatred had me hating myself and my situation. I hated that pain and had grown tired of crying myself to sleep, replacing food with coffee, shutting people out, disconnecting from community and hurting friends who truly loved me. I got tired of being so overwhelmed I couldn't speak. I had panic attacks that came from suppressed emotions and even worse, I'd stopped pursuing my purpose. To be totally transparent, at times I even doubted my very existence.
But, once I started to stare all those broken pieces in the face and accepted that I was the one that made those decisions, agreed to that bad deal, pretended that situation was perfect, I was able to take responsibility for my truth. I was free to accept my whole self —flaws and all. Because if I was going to be the woman God called me to be I would need to acknowledge the woman that I hadn't been. Now...here I am. Healthier, stronger, happier, not perfect but fighting for purpose and my more.
As women, it's hard to believe all of the amazing things that God believes about us and it's even harder to believe the things that he wants us to experience—the healthy relationships, the successes, and the endless joy. With absent fathers, stripped virginity in pursuit of validation, cultural imbalances and the glass ceilings that have been placed by this "man's world" –somewhere/somehow, we started believing that we deserved less than what we were supposed to have. More became a myth to us.
It's uncomfortable writing this because I can't help but think about every person that will read it and thats so scary. But, as Brene Brown said, "Most people believe vulnerability is weakness, but really, vulnerability is courage. Vulnerability is not about fear, grief and disappointment. It is the birthplace of everything we're hungry for."
Gosh, am I so hungry for a life full of more. Not only for me, but for YOU. I believe that if we seek to find it in our lives, more truly is always available.